PROMETHEUS AND THE WORLD OF ALIEN

If you had told me ten years ago that Ridley Scott, the prince of science fiction horror cinema was planning a prequel to Alien I would have punched you in the face, called you Nancy and told you not to spread such blasphemous lies. I mean, we’re talking about Alien. One of the most beloved sci-fi/horror films ever made. It launched the career of Sigourney Weaver and gave us a peak at Ian Holm’s talent (who would later go on to portray Bilbo Baggins in the “Lord of The Rings” films). Furthermore, “Alien” introduced us to some of the most badass man-in-an-alien-suit action we’d ever seen. Stan Winston was at the height of his game.

But alas, Mr. Scott did eventually announce that a prequel to Alien was in the works. He also mentioned, and this is something that most reviewers seem to keep forgetting, that it would have little or nothing to do with the Alien movies and would instead focus on the story of the infamous Space Jockey from the first film. Prometheus certainly doesn’t disappoint in that respect, but we’ll get to that.

So, now that I’ve waited over three years for this movie and finally had a chance to see it, the question remains whether or not I was impressed. The answer may not be so simple. The short answer is “yes”. But this wouldn’t be your typical self-serving, highly opinionated blog if I just left it at that. ;)

WARNING!! SPOILERS AHEAD!!

Visually, “Prometheus” is over flowing with pretty landscapes and convincing characters. The world that Ridley Scott paints for is so full of realism that you often forget you’re looking at CG enhanced environments which is exactly how I like it. More often than not, filmmakers rely too heavily on CGI to sell the fantasy world they’ve created but it always seems to fall short because they use too much of it. I can tell that Scott pushed for the real environments mixed with CGI enhancement as opposed to going straight CGI which works brilliantly. Despite the often violent nature of the unnamed planet, I am still left with a feeling of wanting to visit this strange new world. I want to know more.

Performance wise everyone was spot on. Noomi Rapace (The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – Sweedish version) proves once again why she is both a phenomenal performer and the best choice for playing a strong female lead. It seems like nowadays everyone leans towards Kristin Stewart to play every “strong” female character and you think they would learn by now that she is NOT a good choice. At least Noomi Rapace knows how to shut her God damn mouth!

But I digress…

Rapace’s performance is rock solid and truly believable. There is one scene in particular in which Rapace’s character has to perform an emergency C-section… on herself!! While the scene itself comes off as being a little farfetched, Noomi manages to pull it off and it is easily one of the tensest moments in the entire film.

Michael Fassbender is a treat as the precursor to Ash – or the better known Bishop from Aliens – and he plays the part with such disturbing accuracy that I now find myself wondering if Fassbender really is an android. Can I just say that I love this actor? Because I do. I would cast him in any movie as any character because I’m certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I asked him to play the part of a wild monkey on acid banging a coffee can, not only would he pull off, but he’d do it so well he’d probably win an Academy Award for it. The can would be useless, but worth it in the long run.

Charlize Theron is in the movie too… Yeah that’s about it. She’s good. As usual. But nothing great. I kind of felt like her character was underplayed and after everything that happens to her and her crew you would expect a slightly different outcome for her… But you don’t get it. Okay, I’m giving it away now, but her character dies and she does so in such a way that makes you feel like it wasn’t even worth suffering with her through the adventure. Part of me wouldn’t have minded seeing her carry on to the eventual sequel, but alas it is not to be. She was great for the part and if there was a character in the film that most closely resembled Ripley from the Alien films it’s the mission director Meredith Vickers. She takes charge, doesn’t put up with anyone’s shit, and if they had just listened to her in the first place when she tried to quarantine the ship nothing bad would have ever happened.

Guy Pearce also has a small part in the film. I emphasize small because the marketing crew on Prometheus talks up Pearce’s involvement on the film as if he plays some hugely significant role. He doesn’t. The part is good and necessary to the plot, but not large enough to mandate a top billing slot. Yet another great actor who gets underplayed.

And, of course there are a bunch of other characters played by a bunch of actors who may or may not be worth mentioning, but they all die in the end anyway and you know they’re going to die fifteen minutes into the film. No. Seriously. There’s no way you couldn’t see it coming. I’m not ruining anything here, just saving you from the five minutes of thought it would take you to figure it out for yourself.

This brings me to the story…

I’ve heard some people complain that they just didn’t get it or couldn’t understand what was going on. Honestly, I had no trouble following the story because it was somewhat predictable. For a film that Ridley Scott claims he didn’t want mimicking Alien in any way, shape, or form it certainly feels like we’re watching Alien. Right out the gate the opening title sequence has the letters of the title slowly appearing on screen piece by piece just like Alien. Then, the first fifteen/twenty minutes of the film is almost a beat-by-beat replay of the first twenty minutes of Alien all the way down to our introduction to the characters who are only “in it for the money.” Also like Alien, the ship Prometheus becomes damaged while entering the strange planet’s atmosphere, a massive storm is ripping through the land, and the ships mission director Meredith Vickers is vehemently against the idea of being anywhere near this shit-hole planet.

Within a few more minutes a small crew goes to explore the Alien ruins and eventually discovers a room full “canisters” which conveniently resemble the look of the “alien face hugger pods” from the “Alien” film. Wait just a few more minutes and one of the crew suddenly becomes “infected” with some nasty virus thing which he then accidentally transmits to his girlfriend, which then impregnates her with an alien life-form, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Plain and simple… It’s Alien. A dumbed down version of it, but at its core this movie is a retelling of Alien if the aliens were still nothing more than single cell organisms waiting for the opportunity to evolve.

After that, the story branches out on its own and it isn’t afraid to take its time either. Part of what makes a Ridley Scott movie worth watching are the visuals. He tells his stories slowly and allows you to take in the world around you. Prometheus is no exception. Scott is one of the few directors I can think of capable of creating tension even when there’s really nothing going on. And that’s pretty much 80% of this movie. Nothing really happens when they get to the planet except for an excessive amount of talking and walking. You learn a little tidbit of information here, a little there, but still no real action. The tension comes from being on this foreign planet with these people you barely know. That’s the magic of the first Alien movie and it is somewhat revived here. You feel like you’re just as much a part of this alien expedition as the characters on screen and find yourself waiting in eager anticipation to see what’s around the next corner.

Then, after spending what seems like forever doing nothing, the film starts heading towards its climax and you didn’t even know you were ready for it. The second Elizabeth Shaw discovers she has an alien creature living inside her and proceeds to cut herself open to get it out, the movie becomes almost non-stop action from there on out. The next thing you know the credits are rolling and you’re left wondering what the hell just happened. I can certainly understand the confusion some people have about the story, but it really wasn’t that complicated.

However, that doesn’t mean the story is without flaw. There were a couple parts that left me scratching my noggin, but not because I was confused. Instead there were a couple moments that seemed to fuck with the origins of the first Alien movie that left me worried. The only one worth mentioning is the Space Jockey, especially since he was supposed to be at the center of the stories plot. I know Ridley Scott wanted to explore the origins of the Space Jockey from the first film, but I’m not entirely convinced that the Space Jockey we see in Prometheus is the same one we saw in Alien… Which doesn’t make much sense. It’s tough to explain without going into the details of the ending so I’ll spare you that one and instead leave you with my final thoughts.

Prometheus is a good movie. The plot leaves something to be desired and it has certainly been left open for a sequel (duh), however, I do wish they would have taken a little more time with it and maybe given us some mid-film action so the ending didn’t hit us so hard so fast. Other than that, Prometheus is a fun little sci-fi flick that shows us Mr. Scott hasn’t lost his touch… He’s rusty. But the touch is still there. Here’s hoping he uses Prometheus as a good warm up for the “Blade Runner” sequel.

Five Reasons An HD Remake of Final Fantasy 7 Would Suck

FIVE REASONS AN HD REMAKE OF FINAL FANTASY 7 WOULD SUCK

I’m sure the title says it all. There’s no real reason for me to go into a lengthy introduction here, but I still feel compelled to do so. Why? Because there is something that I would like to make vehemently clear to everyone; I would still like to see an HD remake of Final Fantasy 7. Sure, it would inevitably suck, but wouldn’t it be badass to see Tifa in all of her big, bouncy boobed glory trouncing around as a more realistic version of herself? I think so.

Final Fantasy 7 holds a special place in many gamer’s hearts. Personally, it’s not my all-time favorite. That title goes to Final Fantasy 6 (aka Final Fantasy 3 on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System). However, FF7 does slide in at a close second.

Ever since Sony and Square Enix unveiled the surprise HD trailer for the game they claim will never exist at E3 back in 2009, fans have been chomping at the bit for Square to FINALLY make this game. Unfortunately, both Sony and Square appear to be sticking to their guns and an HD remake of Final Fantasy 7 will more than likely never be more than… well… a fantasy.

But what if Square Enix did decide to do it? It is possible. It can be done. But would it really be worth it to them or the fans to see this game come to fruition? I think not. And here’s why…

#1. TERRIBLE VOICE ACTING:

If there’s one thing Square Enix has made perfectly clear to us since the release of Final Fantasy X it’s that voice acting really isn’t their forte. In fact, FFX is a shining example of why a Final Fantasy 7 remake just shouldn’t happen. Anyone who’s played the game knows that the primary element that dragged that game down was the horrific, and often times laughable, performances of the characters ( we all remember the “laughing” scene from FFX, right?). In fact, if not for the poor performances, FFX had the potential to be great game. I enjoyed the battle system and the ability to switch characters in and out of battle on the fly made leveling up a little less painful and time consuming. It had a compelling story and the world was full of life (by the way, I hear through the grapevine that an HD version of FFX will eventually be released on the Playstation 3… Yeah. I don’t care either).

Sadly, Square has yet to learn its lesson on voice acting. I didn’t bother with Final Fantasy 11 so I don’t know if there was any voice acting in it or not. I assume not simply because the game was an MMO rather than a traditional game in the series. But that brings us Final Fantasy 12. I really can’t say whether or not twelve was a step up from ten or not. I’m torn. In some ways it seems like it is, but I also can’t get passed how terribly bland the performances were. It almost seems like the directors said, “Okay, we tried to put a little too much emotion into FFX, so this time around I just want you guys to be completely devoid of emotion and we’ll see if that works better.” And Final Fantasy 13… Oh dear, sweet, baby Jesus. I won’t even go into how horrible that game is as it would require a separate blog post of its own. Let’s just say it sucked and leave it at that.

So who’s to say that the voice acting for an HD remake of FF7 would be any better? I highly doubt Square would spring the extra cash for the Advent Children cast especially considering the cost of re-creating a massive game like FF7 would be in the first place. And quite frankly I’m not entirely convinced they would be the best choices for voice actors anyway. Don’t get me wrong. There were one or two good picks there, but not enough to get me excited about it.  

I am willing to concede that the voice acting in a remake of FF7 would no doubt be better than what we heard in FFX, but that really isn’t saying much since just about anything would be better than FFX. Given Square Enix’s track record for voice acting in video games you and I both know they would find some way to fuck it up. This brings me to my next point…

#2. TEXT TO SPEECH… NOT SO GOOD:

We have to remember that back in Final Fantasy 7’s day, developers still had to deal with some major technical restrictions from the consoles. The original Playstation (from here on out referred to as PSOne) was nothing like the current generation and in many ways was very inferior to the PS2. Voice acting wasn’t necessarily new territory for video games, but it wasn’t being fully explored either. Final Fantasy 7 wasn’t even a fully 3D experience. Far from it. The visuals were pretty damn good for the time and definitely a huge leap from the 16bit era of gaming, but still nothing like we are used to today.

Here’s what I’m getting at: Even for its time, FF7 was overflowing with content and because of the technical restrictions of the PSOne, the developers were still forced to tell one hundred percent of the story through text. And that also meant that character models with limited animations capabilities still had to emote through dialogue. It was still better than anything that came before it. Characters could move their arms, blink their eyes, bend/hunch over, etc, but they couldn’t smile or move their lips. They couldn’t use motion capture to give the characters that realistic edge that the games of today contain. Therefore, the developers at Square had to use their noggins in order to keep the game interesting.

So how does this affect the future of the HD Final Fantasy 7 remake? Let me put it to you this way; if you thought the cut scenes in the Metal Gear Solid franchise were long, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Some of FF7’s major dialogue scenes go on for a long time. But the advantage of having them text based is that you can easily breeze through them. You don’t have to worry about the emotional response of the character. You can always come up with that in your head later. We could zip through those scenes! 

Now try to imagine those same scenes reenacted with professional voice over. There would be dramatic pauses, real “sighs” and not just text. The dialogue scenes would go on FOREVER!! I don’t care how good your voice actors are, there is no way in hell I’m sitting through Cloud’s constant banter about a past that isn’t even his for longer than five minutes. Worse yet, we all know the second they even think of changing the dialogue, all hell is going to break loose.

Admit it! If Square or Sony changed even so much as one fuckin’ word, NAY! If they changed even one syllable in the game, at least half of the FF7 fan base would bring the wrath of pissed off nerds down like Judge Judy’s gavel. And we’d never hear the end of it either. “I can’t believe they made Barret say ‘friggin’ instead of ‘fuckin’! I hate this game! They should never have made it!”

Ugh… I can see the Twitter posts in my head now…

#3. REMAKES INEVITABLY SUCK:

Face it! It’s a fact of life. Just the simple fact that the term “remake” is in the title or mentioned in conversation is enough to doom the game before it hits shelves.  

Anything good “remade” is cursed. Period.

It would make sense if the game sucked when it was first released, but it didn’t. It went on to become the standard by which all other Final Fantasies are judged and to this day, they have yet to create a true successor to seven. At least if the game sucked they could use the extra time to really dig deep into the bones of the game and figure out what went wrong so they could fix it. But NOOOOOOOOOO! They gotta go back and mess with a game that is considered a holy relic among devout FF worshipers. It’s like if the new Pope just suddenly decided that his hat would look better if he pissed on it.

The only way any game – or anything else for that matter – should ever be remade is if it sucks. And I mean really sucked. As in, the game has maybe five fans… in the world.

#4. GLITCHES… THE GOD DAMN GLITCHES!!

Home console gaming is nothing like it used to be. Load times. Scratched disks. Hard drives. These are just a few of the reasons some people still own a Sega Genesis. We didn’t have to deal with those things back in the day. And the term “glitch” usually meant there was something really cool you could do in the game. Even as recent as the PS2 game glitches were minor things that often lead to great things.

Final Fantasy 7 had its fair share of glitches too. The W-Item Materia trick being one of my personal favorites.

I’m fairly certain that an HD remake on PS3 or some other current generation system would have its fair share of cool glitches too. Like a game breaking glitch that corrupts your save files within five minutes of playing and could potentially corrupt the save files of other games on your system. Yeah. Wouldn’t that be cool? Better yet, wouldn’t it be awesome if every time you started playing the game you had to sit through a twenty minute download of the most recent “patch”? Awesome!! Or maybe when you get halfway through the game a glitch causes you to become permanently stuck in one area of the game because something you were supposed to get suddenly melted into the floor and now you’ll NEVER get it back!? I would totally play that kind of game!

Yep. No sarcasm there. None… None at all. Totally would play it. There’s nothing wrong with the current generation of gaming consoles… nothing at all. Everything is fine. Great….. Juuuuuuust great….

Aaaaaand the final reason is….

#5. IT WOULD BE EXCLUSIVELY RELEASED ON A NINTENDO CONSOLE:

After all those years of waiting and begging for this remake, it finally pays off. The developers spend as long as seven years (cuz everything pertaining to Final Fantasy 7 revolves around the number 7) working on the game secretly, during which time Nintendo unveils a next generation console capable of handling everything Square throws at it and the CEO of Square Enix ultimately decides that the Ultra Super Cool Wii U 64 Entertainment System 2 is the console of choice.

Final Fantasy fans everywhere are suddenly found dead in their apartments.