Takin' Over the Asylum Review

It’s been a while since the last time I blogged. That has a lot to do with my lack of things to blog about. Not to mention the lack of time... And... Well, motivation plays a lot into that as well.

But I digress!

I had a Thursday night off for once and found myself in Rapid City for a variety of reasons. I figured since I finally had it off and was in Rapid, why not spend the evening watching a show at Seraphim Theater at the Rushmore Mall as I’ve been wanting to for what feels like an eternity. And you know what folks? I was NOT disappointed. I was, however, pleasantly surprised.

Seraphim Theatrical Entertainment presented the audience with the stage version of “Takin’ Over the Asylum”. Spearheaded Bridgett Hill, infused by director Stephen Farruggia, and empowered by an amazingly talented cast, TOtA is a tale about loonies.

Oh don’t worry. That’s what they call themselves. The Loonies. And they are indeed proud to be loony. Based on the BBC Scotland miniseries of the same name which originally aired in November of 2000, TOtA introduces us to Eddie (Nick Rombough), an aging alcoholic window salesman who takes a gig operating a radio station at a psychiatric ward. It’s here that we meet the rest of the show’s colorful cast of characters ranging from the manic Campbell (played here by David Scott), to the Obsessive Compulsive germaphobe Rosalie (Heidi Dehn). And those two are only the tip of the iceberg.

The story tackles the tough, and often controversial subject of mental illness. But it takes heart not to go overboard. They took risks, but not at the expense of alienating the audience which is something that a lot of similar shows with similar subject matter tend to struggle with. It’s a tough balancing act, but TOtA and it’s cast does it flawlessly and brings in levity where needed. As someone who suffers from depression himself I can truly appreciate that.

Performances in the show were top notch and I can honestly say there wasn’t a single character that I didn’t fall in love with. No matter what their mental illness may be Campbell’s mania drives him to a point of stubborn unwillingness to let go of his dreams and becomes all the more inspiration because of it. Rosalie is so thoroughly OCD about cleanliness that I actually started wondering if I should go home and start cleaning my apartment (trust me, it needs to be cleaned). Francine (Andi Waters) had me keeping my fingers crossed that she would come out of her shell and overcome her demons. Eddie was delightfully caring for his “loony” partners. Fergus (Tyler Mathison) is the kind of lovable schizophrenic genius that makes you want to hug him. Hector (Jack Fitch) is a fun, flailing, mess. Aileen (Haley Jones) was exquisitely angry. And Margaret (Kai Pendragon) couldn’t possibly make being childishly naïve look more fun. Of course you’ll wind up hating Stuart and Dr. Evan McDonalds (but you’ll absolutely LOVE watching Jason Riggins and Evan Slowick play their respective roles. Jason manages to steal the scene on more than one occasion).

Set design was great and full of little surprises. The balcony scenes were a nice touch and caught me a little off guard. But in a good way. However, if I had to be nit picky about something it would probably be the lack of detail in the set. Obviously stage design is a tricky endeavor and building a set that doesn’t overshadow the cast it supports is always preferable, but then again I’m a sucker for a set that just comes to life and becomes its own character. Tells its own story without ever speaking a single line of dialogue. This is a very minor gripe though and it hinges more on my own personal taste rather than necessary aesthetics. It was very well constructed and thought out and it served its purpose well, but a little more could have gone long way for me.

At the end of the day Takin’ Over The Asylum isn’t about flashy sets or fun characters. It’s about mental illness. It’s about understanding mental illness. I went into this show blind as a bat. No backstory. Nothing. I hadn’t even heard about the original BBC miniseries until I picked up my program next to the Seraphim ticket booth. In a way I think that’s a good thing because it completely destroyed any predisposed ideas I may have had running through my head (I have a LOT of those) and instead left me feeling a little vulnerable. I nearly started crying the second I started reading the program info because I suddenly realized that I was about to watch a show that hits close to home. Closer than many may think. And this is a good thing because part of overcoming mental illness is facing it head on. Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and deal with the mess inside your head and that’s what sitting through this play forced me to do. I admit I was an anxious mess at times and literally started pulling the hair out of my beard (something I’m apt to do when my anxiety runs high). Part of me was worried that the show might miss the point entirely and another (smaller) part of me was worried that I was in for two hours of the same stigma I’ve dealt with my entire life.

But it didn’t.

It was so delightfully on point that it choked me up on numerous occasions. And while I barely managed to fight back the tears during the show, rest assured I was a blubbering, swerving idiot the entire 45 mile drive back to Spearfish. You can see Takin’ Over the Asylum April 28th and 29th and additional performances May 4th, 5th, and 6th at 7:30pm at Seraphim Theatrical Entertainment in the Rushmore Mall. Tickets are $15 at the door. I would HAPPILY pay more to see it again. Do it. Don’t think about it. Just do it. Please note the show is a hard PG-13 and is NOT recommended for children.

 Seraphim Web Page

Hello Again For The First Time.... But NOT The Last Time

Hey everyone!

I'm back and ready to start blogging again. I realize it's been a while, but I've got my shit together and like a good prostitute I'm back for more. 

A lot has happened since the last time I engaged with you guys. So much so that I could go on and on and on about it for one whole paragraph. In recent days my partners in crime and I have launched a complete reboot of Larry & The Monsters, I've begun my own business doing video production work, I now have two children, an obsession with Fallout 4, and an all around new outlook on life and filmmaking. 

I'm looking forward to go over the events of the past year or so and getting back to what my adoring audience loves most: Anything other than me. Having said that, if in case you missed it, here is a link to the new and vastly improved Larry & The Monsters series. Larry & The Monsters Playlist

Some major changes were made to the overall structure of the series, many of which I've talked about in previous blogs. We are currently gearing up for our fundraising campaign to get season 2 made which is going to be even bigger and better than season 1 and feature more action and supernatural elements than previous episodes. I will keep you informed as much as I possibly can here on the blog AND you can follow the show and the rest of the fans on our official Larry & The Monsters Facebook Page.

Until then, keep watching movies and keep making them and always remember; you can't clean a toilet with a ferret with no fur and a thirst for chocolate milk.

Sincerely,
Ryan Brewer

The New Season 2 Logo

Yep. A big fuckin' banana.

ON FILMMAKING: PART 3

AND NOW BACK TO THE GOOD PART:

            Before I get too far ahead of myself, I want to go back and revisit Larry & The Monsters for just a bit longer because I feel that I still have more to say about that show.

            The more I look back on that show, the more it makes sense to me where we went wrong. From day one we became too focused on introducing the individual monsters and not enough time building interesting plots and relationships. Remember what I said about learning lessons? Well this is one of the biggest and hardest lessons for any beginning screenwriter/filmmaker to grasp; the ability to tell a story without force feeding every little detail of the plot and characters. I’ve always sort of been aware of this, but it wasn’t until our most recent project, “Nyar” that the concept finally began to sink in. Now, if you’re one of those people who are looking to begin your career in filmmaking or screenwriting, now would be a good time to take some notes. I’m about to learn ya some info!

            It’s a common mistake. Beginning screenwriters are especially focused on telling the story they want to tell. They think the story is perfect and that everyone else’s ideas are their way of poking fun at the story without directly doing so. We also like to think that our ideas are flawless. That after two or three rewrites there’s no way we could possibly have gone wrong. We just shat gold onto paper and everyone else needs to lick it up and like it.

            This is wrong.

            Most amateur scripts are written in such a way that could be construed as offensive to the audience. It doesn’t treat the audience with any respect and, for all intents and purposes, outright calls those people idiots for not being able to understand the awesome story we just spoon fed them. Believe it or not, this isn’t intentional. I wish I could convey to you how difficult it is to see passed your own writing. To look through it and see what you did wrong. It just is. And can you really blame the writer? They only want to tell the best story possible in the only way they know how. They read the books. Followed the format. They may even have sat down with note cards and sticky notes and plotted out every little detail and scene before actually writing it. But none of that matters unless they can master the art of visualization. I should point out that I have NOT mastered the art of visualization. It was only just recently after getting the opportunity to work with a professional in the business that the information finally sank in. Now comes the hard part of becoming good at it. You can take that how you will. I care not. I’m just trying to help others avoid the same mistakes that I’ve made in the past.

            Anyway, with L&M it all boiled down to a lack of real story. We tried to take what we thought were funny moments and used them in an attempt to introduce monsters. In the process we forgot to introduce conflict. Real conflict. Without conflict all we had were a couple of assholes with a camera and a finicky computer that deserved to be ass raped by lonely convicts. The show still had its moments, but it could have had more. Many more. And with any luck, the show will get a second chance.

            COUNT:

            “Count” was an interesting endeavor. One of those films that I feel proud of despite the experience of making it. It wasn’t horrible by any means. There were only a small handful of moments that weren’t particularly enjoyable (such as trying to fit my fat ass in a dinky closet just so I could get the shot I wanted), but it was a proud moment all the same. It was the first time we had done anything for a competition (www.FilmFight.com to be more specific) and we had to follow some strict guidelines. The film couldn’t be longer than 3 minutes and 30 seconds, it had to be horror, and it had to be based on an urban legend. Horror and urban legends was no problem at all for me, but trying to fit it all in fewer than 3 minutes and 30 seconds was a bitch. We lucked out a little on this one too and somehow managed to make it into the heavy weight category.

            The first draft of the script “Count” was quite different from the finished product. It originally had three female leads with one of them turning out to be the murderous villain in the end. However, one of my actors dropped out only three days before our shoot date and I was forced to do a very fast re-write. As a result I think the dialogue and characters may have suffered a little. The dynamic of the relationships became skewed and just didn’t work as well as I hoped. Then again, the re-write was also a blessing in disguise as the original script most likely would have been too long to meet competition guidelines. Still, a small part of me yearns to go back and re-shoot the original script just to see what it might have looked like.

            Despite a sudden rewrite and rushed shoot “Count” still managed to pull second place in the competition. Our prize for winning? Bragging rights. Film Fights doesn’t really offer prizes. They offer feedback and a chance to flex your filmmaking muscle under pressure. A great place for anyone to go if you’re interested in filmmaking.

JUST A NIGHTMARE:

            “Just A Nightmare” came shortly before we did “Count”. (I know I’m going backwards here. Deal with it!) At the time, “…Nightmare” was the most fun I’d had making a movie in a long time. For reasons I won’t go into here, the movie almost didn’t happen. It was late and one of my best friends from high school was up visiting. I hadn’t seen him in almost 10 years. It was crazy. Surreal. We had talked about shooting something while he was up visiting, but none of us were quite sure if we would have the time.

            We made time.

            After going to see a movie (I forget which for some reason) we opted to go back to Keith’s place and shoot Just A Nightmare. Yet another of Keith Melcher’s brilliant scripts. I stopped and picked up as much of my gear as could be transported in a short period of time, cussed a little out of frustration trying to figure out what to bring, and made my way up the hill to shoot. Meanwhile, Keith, our friend Greg Craddock, and his girlfriend at the time Alaina stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up a few odds and ends. Namely, a machete. The script called for a machete. It wasn’t a fake one. It was real. Very real. And it came very close to people’s faces at times. There was one scene in the film in which our bumbling hero (Greg) wakes up suddenly from a nightmare and finds our masked villain (Melcher) standing next to him and holding a machete to his face. The machete was probably less than an inch from his nose. Naturally I found this to be the perfect take and used the footage for the final edit, so what you see on screen isn’t just acting. That’s genuine fear.

            “Just A Nightmare” marked the first time since we started that I finally got to sit behind the camera and not have to worry about acting. I love acting. But when you’re trying to make your own movies and constantly thinking about what is going to happen next and how you’re going to shoot it, it can be tough to stay focused. I didn’t technically direct JaN either, but I was given free rein to make decisions on the camera work which, to this day I still feel is some of my best work. “Count” was all right and it was the first time we had the opportunity to do a multi-camera shoot (which was fucking awesome by the way) but the way the camera was placed and moved around could have been a lot better.  

            And speaking of trying to act and direct at the same time…

            

                     

ON FILMMAKING: PART DUEX

            First, an apology. It has been some time since I last graced this blog with my presence. And for me to sit here and tell you that I've been busy would be nothing more than just another lame excuse from a lazy writer. Having said that, I have been very busy lately and finding the time to write something significant enough for the blog has been difficult. I guess, in some ways, I would rather come up with something interesting to talk about than sputter on about nothing and bore the shit out of everyone that reads this. As such I’m also going to keep this apology short and get right back to what we’re here for: reading my words. ;)

            As you may have guessed from that not-so-ambiguous ending to the last blog post, the majority of this article revolves around my experiences working on “Larry & The Monsters.” A Keith Melcher joint. I suppose it would be fitting to start with the origins of the show and what we were hoping to accomplish with it.

You can't see it, but my wife is outside keeping the dogs quiet using chocolet.

            Larry & The Monsters (from here on out referred to as L&M) began as a stand-alone project written by my good friend, heterosexual partner, and just all around good man Keith Melcher. It was way back during our initial “Let’s do this! Let’s make our own movies!” phase and we were struggling to come up with ideas for short films. Keith had written “The Choice” which we had already committed ourselves to filming and he had written this short script with no title simply called “Vampire Short”.  As for me, the short film format was something I wasn’t accustomed too and I was struggling to come up with anything worth its value in words. I had conceived a new vampire story of my own called “Bleeder” however; I quickly realized that the story would be far too large for our purposes and, for the time being, set it aside in order to start working on “The Choice” and “Vampire Short”.

            I must admit, at first I saw nothing there. “Vampire Short” was just this lifeless one-shot deal with no future. It was funny. Don’t get me wrong. I liked it. I just didn’t see much there that I felt audiences would like. After all, the script didn’t even have a proper title. But a few weeks after starting production on “The Choice” I had an epiphany; what if “Vampire Short” was a series and we filled it with other wacky monsters that continuously torture and ruin the life of this guy Larry? They could go on all these screwball adventures and we could do anything we wanted to do with these characters because, you know, it was a one hundred percent fictional world with no boundaries. Naturally I thought this idea was brilliant and brought it before Mr. Melcher. As it turns out he had also had visions of a possible series involving these characters and for the first time since we began this little filmmaking quest of ours we found ourselves working on the same page. It didn’t take long for us to realize that the idea wasn’t as brilliant as we thought… but there was still something there.

This is how we roll on L&M.

            Shortly thereafter we began to develop follow-ups to the initial story which also included an episode where we brought the vampire back from the dead so we could continue to use him as a main character in the series. I believe there were eleven or twelve episode written. Of which, only five were ever filmed. Ideas and plans started coming together to film the first episode. There was nothing easy about filming that first episode either. Then again, it was still early in our filmmaking career and the concept of “planning” a movie hadn’t yet set in. Not only did we attempt to film the entire thing in one day we also had to deal with snow, neighbor dogs that would bark every time I set foot out the fucking door, and finding someone dumb enough – I mean courageous enough fit themselves in my stank-ass fridge to play the Mummy. And, of course, we also had to deal with horrible sound and a complete lack of FX training of any kind. If you’ve seen the first and second episodes then you know what I’m talking about.

Marty Spurlock as Todd the Wolfman.

            To this day, the first two episodes of L&M still have more views than any other episode or YouTube post we’ve made. Honestly, I’m not sure why. I always found the third episode – which introduces us to Larry’s new roommate Todd who also turns out to be a wolfman – to be one of my favorites. It was a longer episode, but extremely fun to make and the first episode that truly felt like it was following some kind of a plot. More than anything, it felt good to finally have a few more monsters involved with the story. Felt more like an actual show.

            Then came the fourth episode of L&M. Again, I felt this one wasn’t too bad because we had a chance to use all the primary monsters and it followed an actual story, but the episode itself was sort of a cop-out. It represented the first unfortunate compromise in the series that would ultimately lead to its abrupt ending. At one point, Keith and I had discussed the possibility of moving the shows primary location to something a little more akin to Larry’s bachelor lifestyle. The reason for this is because my wife and I had just had our first child and filming at my house suddenly became complicated. It was just easier to move the show. This put me in a position where I felt forced to write and as anyone knows, forcing a writer to write typically leads to some serious shit-stains. No one likes that kind of writing. Episode 4 was an “excuse”. A poor plot device designed to justify the sudden change in location. Ironically, we still filmed the beginning of the episode in my garage while my wife and child were home inside.

            And then came… the Banana’s… Dear, sweet Zeus the banana’s. I seriously think there are no words in existence that can truly describe my sheer hatred for episode 5. It started off so innocent and I won’t lie, the idea of throwing banana’s at my friend Keith from off camera appealed to me right from the start. And, if you really want to know, throwing banana’s at Keith was probably the only redeeming quality of the entire experience. I won’t go into too much detail here. I just want to say that about halfway through filming that episode I became convinced that it was cursed. My computer was crashing. Footage was mysteriously lost only to be found again months later after I had already come to terms with the loss and was ready to give up and move on.

            Yes. That’s right. Episode 5 almost NEVER happened. And if I’d had my way it still wouldn’t exist. I had no problem with the script. It’s just that NOTHING was working the way it was supposed to. For example: The banana pelting scene was originally planned as a comedic homage to “Apocalypse Now”. It was supposed to be in slow motion and there would be several shots of the bananas striking Larry. And as any good student of the George Lucas School of filmmaking will tell you, the only way to do that scene is with digital bananas. I was determined to use digital bananas. And then I started trying to make a digital banana. And then I stabbed myself in the eye with my own finger several times for being such a douche.

            Digital bananas… This guy…

            And when I say I had come to terms with the loss of the footage I really mean it. Even after finding it I was determined NOT to finish it because it caused me so much trouble and cost me money (to fix my computer). I hated it so much in fact, that it was almost a full year before I finally buckled and finished editing the damn thing. It has since joined its four predecessors on YouTube, but I cringe every time I look at it. It’s like the evil step child, all grown up, but you know it still hates you and you wanna just punch it in the face every time it looks at you funny then point and laugh and run away… Fuck that episode.

            Needless to say, that was the final episode of Larry & The Monsters. We have since moved on to other projects (not many) but I can’t help but want to return to that one. Keith and I have recently discussed the possibility of doing a reboot of the series, but so far that’s all. In retrospect I think L&M was one of those ideas that was good, but never really had a chance to shine. Call it poor writing. Call it poor directing or acting or all of the above. Either way, it was a show with potential that got screwed before it had chance to become something. I guess that’s why I can’t seem to let it go and why I keep pushing to go back to it.

            Despite the shows shortcomings, it was worth every moment to make it. I learned a great deal about making short films and L&M gave me a chance to become a little more comfortable with the short film format. Perhaps a little too comfortable. I’ve often found it difficult to go back to writing full length features and many of my own projects have been set aside because of it. In some cases ditched all together. The most important lesson I took away from L&M is that you can never plan enough for a film and not even short films are exempt from this. In fact, there really is no excuse for poor planning on short films. This doesn’t mean that I’ve been spot on since then. Quite the opposite. I still struggle to find that balance of planning versus run-and-gun filmmaking. As a result I feel a few more recent projects have suffered, though there has been noticeable improvement also.

            And then came the more recent projects and the rise and fall of Zone 4 Productions.

           

ON FILMMAKING – PART ONE:

FADE IN:

INT. RYAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT

            I realized recently that I have spent a great deal of time on this blog speaking mostly about video games. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea and think that this is all about video games and that I have nothing else interesting to talk about. You would only be 50% correct. The other half of what I talk about revolves around movies and I wanted to take this opportunity to speak of my experiences thus far in the Indy Filmmaking world.

           

            First, let me start by saying that I am not an Indy Filmmaker. Indy filmmakers usually have budgets and the support of one or two professionals in the field who felt it was worth taking a chance on this rag-tag group of camera toting morons. No. I am, for all intents and purposes, a guerrilla filmmaker. Basically it means I often work with no budget and go to sometimes extreme lengths to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t always want to do and make sacrifices when we really don’t want to make them. But that’s guerrilla filmmaking. You get what you get and deal with it.

The great Mr. Spurlock

            I distinctly remember working on our first short film, “The Choice”. It was based on a script which my good friend and business partner Keith Melcher wrote. I directed and starred in the film as the Man in Black and our other good friend Marty Spurlock starred as the Man in White. The goal of these two brilliantly named assholes was to convince a young woman (Tracey Lehman) to either commit suicide or choose life. Oh! And I can’t forget about Gary who played the character of Danny in the film The end result being a horrible conclusion one way or the other. I felt this was a strong script. It lacked story at first, but Keith eventually came through with the re-writes.

Tracy Lehman during one of our finer moments.

            Anyway, we planned our first shoot to be done at Spearfish Park near the creak. It was a surprisingly nice day out, but I think we ended up getting a little rain which delayed the shoot. However, the overcast skies gave us some very good lighting. Everyone showed up (eventually) which would probably be the first and only time this ever happened consistently. There was always someone who would forget about a shoot or I would forget to tell them which resulted in us having to reschedule on numerous occasions. To backtrack a little, prior to the day of shooting I had spent close to three hours and $60 or my own money attempting to build what I thought was going to be an awesome, homemade dolly with wheels and everything. I designed it with the camera and camera man in mind, constructing a large flatbed where the camera man could stand and hold the camera. What I didn’t anticipate is that this thing was heavy as fuck-all and impossible to safely balance on. We had to delay shooting for twenty minutes so we could pick the thing up and bring it to the park only to show up, try it once and suddenly realize that the fucking thing wasn’t going to work.

Marty Spurlock & Myself just before action.

            Go figure.

Gary complaining about his full stomach before shooting.

            Now, this monstrosity sits in my shed, a constant reminder of my first failed attempt at DIY filmmaking. It was a glorious and epic fail that you simply had to be there to appreciate and it was a shining example of the kind of crap you have to put with on the guerrilla film set. Still, despite the equipment problems we ended up with a pretty solid set of shots. There was some good picture quality but horrible audio. We didn’t own an external microphone and were forced to put up with the dinky little built in microphone on the camera. I swear to shit, it didn’t matter how calm it was, the camera microphone would pick up everything BUT the actors speaking. The rushing of the creak, the kids screaming in the background, Keith stepping on a fucking ant. Everything. It would pick up wind blowing in a different state. That’s how bad that thing was. I was able to pull off some movie-magic in post- production to clean up the audio, but overall it was usable.

Sometimes you just gotta wave.

            Then came the second half of the shoot and the first half of the film. Looking back on it, I can’t say I clearly remember why we shot out of order. Maybe it was because of the timing and the fact that we wanted to make sure it was nice outside for the park shoot. I don’t know. What I do know is that the second half of the shoot, which didn’t happen till probably three months later, taught me a great deal about the importance of lights. We ended up shooting at my house impromptu because Mr. Spurlock --  bless his little heart -- forgot to mention that his sister had turned our original location into a nursery. This doesn’t excuse the fact that all I owned were a couple of clamp lights and had nowhere to hang them during the shoot. Plain and simple, I take full responsibility for anything and everything that ever went wrong on any of my sets. As director, that’s part of the job. However, as the director I also reserve the right to point the finger at everyone else and vehemently state over and over again that my “vision” was compromised by some other incompetent ass. It’s not true, obviously. But I’m still gonna do it. ;)

            Anyway, the room we shot in was dark, cramped, and hot as a blast furnace. Not to mention the fact that it was my wife and I’s room. She was none too happy about the sudden relocation of the shoot, but I think she was most unhappy about the main character being a woman and that she had to be in our bed at one point. Can’t say I blame her there. By the time we were done shooting (six hours later) I had probably lost about five pounds in sweat alone. This is pretty typical of any shoot we do since I somehow always manage to be cast as characters wearing long sleeve outfits made of heavy materials. Don’t believe me? Look at all the movies we’ve done that I’ve starred in. Twenty bucks says I’m wearing a fucking suit and tie in all of them.

            By the time all was said and done, I had learned a lot. Mostly about the importance of good gear. Having a decent camera and external audio recording are very important as are lights. And I thought I would carry this knowledge with me over to the next project…. Boy was I wrong….

                                                                                                  FADE TO BLACK.                                 

TO BE CONTINUED…. 

In case you hadn't guessed, this is a hint at the next blog...

VIDEO GAME FRANCHISES IN TROUBLE AND HOW WE CAN SAVE THEM

Over the past few years video games, much like movies, have been suffering from a bit of slump. We’ve been seeing one remake or reboot after the next and worse yet, they haven’t always been successful with it. Also like Hollywood, game developers don’t see any problem with exploiting a franchise to the point which everyone wants to gouge their eyes out of they see another one.

In light of this new (and hopefully short) era of gaming I figured I would take the time to share with you all a few franchise that are in grave danger of becoming either obsolete or hated. But more importantly I wanted to share with you my thoughts on how we might be able to save them from certain doom…

RESIDENT EVIL:

Do you remember the first time you popped Resident Evil into the Playstation One (from here on out referred to as PSOne) and that damn dog jumped through the window scaring the bejeezus out of you? Or how about that moment when you’re reading the infamous journal in a bedroom of the mansion and the narrators writing reflects his slow transformation into a mindless zombie then you finish reading and the bastard’s half rotten corps comes flying out of the closet at you? These are both iconic moments from a truly iconic franchise. While Resident Evil certainly didn’t invent the survival horror genre, it did bring it to a certain level of perfection that only a rare few are capable of.

And what about those characters!?

Everyone remembers Barry “I’ve Got This!” Burton. Everything about the first game, all the way down to its mind-numbingly bad voice acting and dialogue (Jill sandwich anyone?) will forever be a part of video game history. Hell, the damn game spawned… a crapload of sequels and spinoffs. So why, you might ask, would I dare put Resident Evil on a list of franchises that need help?

What kind of idiot asshole who’s never played an RE game would ask such a stupid question!

Look, the first two games were great. Resident Evil 2 is easily a fan favorite. RE3… Par for the course. RE4? A much needed improvement and a great way of rebooting a series that had quickly grown stagnant. Resident Evil 5?.... Okay, if you don’t get it by now…

The problem with Resident Evil is that the story really doesn’t have anywhere else to go. It hasn’t had anywhere to go since Resident Evil 3 and Code Veronica. Resident Evil 4 gave us hope for the future, but with the Umbrella conspiracy out of the picture, what else is there to fall back on. We keep revisiting these same characters that Capcom has seen fit to curse so that they are forever fighting zombies and Las Plagas. These characters are getting old. Are we really expected to keep following them on these abnormal adventures? How many times is Leon or Chris going to have to kick zombie ass before someone finally gives em a break?!

Can The Franchise Be Saved?

            Yes… and no. Honestly there are only two things Capcom could logically do with Resident Evil that would make sense. First, they could just end it all with the upcoming Resident Evil 6 and NEVER make another one. The other alternative is to let the franchise fade out of existence for a while. We’re used to waiting at least three years between games anyway. What’s three more? I say wait six years between games and then announce the next game and wait another year before releasing it to the public. It needs to be a complete reboot too. Absolutely NONE of the characters from any previous Resident Evil are allowed to be a part of it unless they appear in very, VERY small cameos. The Resident Evil series needs a fresh face and a fresh story. No Umbrella or Tricell corporations. Something different. A new kind of conspiracy. Also, zombies. The game was totally better when there were zombies. Las Plagas were fun for one game, but I want my flesh eating corpses back. It’s so much more satisfying to blow off a zombies head with a shotgun than some vagina faced Spanish guy.

           

            But the most important change of all…

            

            Absolutely, positively NO references to the previous games what-so-ever! Make it an all new experience as if no one had ever played an RE game before.

GOD OF WAR:

            I know there have only technically been five or six games in this series and there is yet another one on the horizon, but does Kratos really need to still be tearing things apart in GOD OF WAR XXII? The guy has already destroyed every God in existence and he took the planet down with them, plunging it into complete darkness and damning us all.

            Kratos is a very bad man.

            I don’t even know why they bother trying to improve the combat system with each new game. All I do is mash the damn buttons anyway and eventually every enemy on screen dies a horrible death and I’m left more desensitized than I was before. Unfortunately, the franchise still has waaaayyyyy too many fans to even suggest ending it.

            But I’m gonna do it anyway.

            Why does God of War need to end? Because it’s going to become nothing more than another cash cow that gets regurgitated over and over again and people are going to keep buying it because part of them wants to believe that someday they’ll make a great GoD game again. Plain and simple, GoD will never change or get better and the story will continue to get weirder and weirder until it doesn’t make a lick of sense any more.

Can The Franchise Be Saved?

            No.

            The downside to being an action game like God of War is that there really isn’t much room for improvement without completely revising the story and turning it into something completely different (Castlvania: Lords of Shadow). I suppose in several years they could try doing a reboot (and probably will) but I think the world will have moved on by then and rightfully so. Plain and simple, Kratos just isn’t interesting enough to keep dragging this franchise out.

METAL GEAR:

            No one out there loves this franchise like I do. Hideo Kojima is an artistic hero of mine and for all intents and purposes he should be yours too. The Metal Gear franchise has done more for me as a writer and (wannabe) filmmaker than any other video game in history. So believe me when I say that it pains me to put this franchise on the list… but it is also very necessary.

            If there’s one thing Metal Gear has always had going for it it’s the story. The cinematic level at which the story unfolds is astonishing and occasionally awkward, but that’s what we love about it. New twists and turns keep us guessing and in some cases altogether throwing our arms up in confusion all the while dishing out some of the most fun tactical espionage game play we’ve ever seen.

            I’ll keep this one brief. If you played Metal Gear Solid 4 than you know just as well as I do that this franchise needs to just end. I don’t see a reboot on the horizon either, though I will admit, of all the games on this list, Metal Gear is probably the best candidate for a reboot.  However, much like Resident Evil, the story of Metal Gear simply has nowhere else to go. It’s said everything that it needs to say and done everything that it needs to do. Hell, Kojima essentially killed off the main hero who was arguably the only reason anyone played the game anyway. Snake was an interesting character. An anti-hero who made kicking terrorist ass look good. But that’s it. Snake grew old and presumably died three months after the game launched. End of story. No more to tell.

So what if they can produce prequels? Big Boss is an interesting character, but he’s no Snake and wouldn’t more Metal Gear games essentially defeat the purpose of the story? The whole concept behind MGS4 was that heroes grow old and heroes die. They aren’t immortal, even when they are video game heroes. In many ways, Kojima created the physical embodiment of my own personal philosophy on heroism; that real heroes never live to tell the tale. If they keep making MGS games then the point is rendered moot.

Please, for the love of all that is good in the world just end the Metal Gear franchise.

FINAL FANTASY:

            This is another one of those franchises that I’m indifferent about ending. This is a series that, like many gamers, I grew up with. I didn’t always love it. In fact the first time I played the original Final Fantasy I played it for all of ten minutes and then, three days later, it was taken back to the video store so some other poor, unsuspecting kid could rent it. And to this day I hope that kid got his money’s worth because I still hate that game and would rather scoop my eyes out of my head with a plastic spork then spend more than two seconds even staring at the cover. The first Final Fantasy was ridiculously hard and there wasn’t much else to the game. The story was very simple and the character were far from compelling. But then something happened…

            A few years later I got my hands on Final Fantasy 6 (originally Final Fantasy 3 for the Super Nintendo… Don’t ask). I’m not sure what it was about the game that compelled me to play it, but one of my fellow junior high class mates was kind enough to give me the game (I would say “borrow” the game but… I never gave it back to him). I had basically missed out on Final Fantasy 4 (FF2 when it first released in America… Again. Don’t ask) and my experience with the first game in the series left a bad taste in my mouth. However, this kid kept raving about his favorite characters and talking about how awesome the story was. And all of HIS friends were talking about how awesome it was too. And like any other self-respecting junior high student I opted to follow the crowd and find out what all the fuss was about.

            After spending only three minutes with Final Fantasy 6 I fell in love. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I was part of some epic adventure and that I had to complete my journey or other innocent people might die. It was amazing! By the time I finally beat the game I was left with the same sensation I got after watching the original Star Wars trilogy all the way through for the first time. That overwhelming feeling of accomplishment as if you were just a part of the greatest event in history and despite being overjoyed at the happy outcome there was a hint of sadness too knowing that it was finally over. I didn’t want it to end… And thus I was transformed into someone who gets a little too sentimental at times… Don’t judge me!

            Now, several years and nine sequels later I find myself fearful for the future of this franchise. Seven was a great game and arguable one of the best in the series. Eight was all right but the main character (Squall) annoyed the piss out of me. Nine… well I never actually played through nine. I started it, but it seemed like fate was determined to keep me from playing it. Final Fantasy 10…. Okay, so if you’ve been following this blog since it started than you already have a pretty good idea of how I feel about FF10. Let me just reiterate that the gameplay was solid and addictive and FF10 has one of the best mini games that I’ve ever played (you can’t honestly tell me you didn’t like Blitzball even a little bit) but the voice acting was so atrocious that it had no business being there. I still gave them the benefit of the doubt. I mean, there’s no way they could screw it up twice in a row, right?....

            Son of a bitch!

            Yes. Final Fantasy 12 wasn’t that great either. The voice acting was stale and the gameplay seemed like it was overcomplicating itself for no reason other than to try something different.

            “Whoa! Wait a minute there, Ryan Brewer! You skipped over Final Fantasy 11.” Yeah. I know. You wanna know why? Because it was a fucking MMO! Square took one of the most beloved single player franchises and turned it into another stupid MMO. Don’t get me wrong. There are good MMO’s out there, but FF11 isn’t one of them. It wouldn’t bother me so much if it was a good MMO, but it’s not. FF11 has no business being an MMO. A numbered title in the series should NEVER BE AN MMO!! Why couldn’t they just call it Final Fantasy Online? Would that have been too hard? Were they afraid people wouldn’t recognize a Final Fantasy game without a fucking number in the title?

            I suppose I should also mention that Final Fantasy 10 spawned a direct sequel. Yep. That’s right. The series that was most famous for none of the sequels having anything to do with each other finally spawned a direct sequel… and oh my dear, sweet Zeus was it awful. I can’t… I mean… the words to describe such a game… I could easily offend someone, but… Fine! You know what? I’m gonna say it. I don’t like it, but I’m going to say it because there is no other way I can think of to possibly convey my thoughts on this game. Final Fantasy 10-2 is the gayest game I’ve ever played. Seriously! Even gay men would call this game gay. You play as three flamboyant women, two of which were primary characters from the first game, and you change outfits during battle to give yourself magical powers.

            Let me help you with that.

            YOU CHANGE OUTFITS DURING BATTLE TO GIVE YOURSELF MAGICAL POWERS! Like… literally change outfits. Not armor. Outfits. Clothes. As in dresses and leather, people. There’s even an outfit where they dress like a pop star. This is supposed to replace the “Bard” job role for anyone that is familiar with an RPG, but… it’s… for Christ sake they might as well have made Britney Spears a playable character!

            And then there is Final Fantasy 13 and it’s direct sequel FF 13-2. Though, really they could have named the game anything they want because there isn’t even the slightest semblance of Final Fantasy here. Final Fantasy 13 was a Final Fantasy game in spirit only. The overall game design, the sound and music, the crappy voice acting and whiny characters were enough to make me want to puke. How could a series that was once so great devolve into something so putrid? Where are the badass characters and dark as fuck story lines? Why are all the side quests and mini games nothing more than MMO style hunts where you go out and find some uber powerful monster and fight them for several hours and gain little or nothing for a reward? What happened to story based side quests? Why are these games so bright and cheery these days?

Can The Franchise Be Saved:

            I would like to think so, but I’m not even sure if it would be worth it. If Final Fantasy wants to reclaim its place as the best single player RPG it needs to return to its darker roots and get away from the gender challenged characters and bright and cheery visuals. It needs to return to the sci-fi fantasy noir from which it sprung and stop trying to be an overly long interactive Anime.

            Or they could just do the world a favor and stop making Final Fantasy games.

            And finally, the last franchise on my list is….

            Wait for it……

            You’re going to freak out….

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA:

            Before anyone grabs their Nintendo Zappers and hunts me down like that damn mutt from Duck Hunt, let me start off with the “Can this franchise be saved” part and say “Yes”. I have nothing against Zelda. I think it’s an awesome franchise and I have plenty of childhood memories of these games. The problem is that Zelda never goes anywhere. Every game in the series is the same damn game with the same damn characters embarking on the same damn quest to save the same damn Princess. I think if TLOZ wants to stick around the best bet for Zelda is to reboot the franchise and try to focus more on telling a cohesive story with a clear background and history.

            Let’s face it. The only thing that ever changes about a Zelda game is its presentation. Occasionally they try to get sneaky by throwing in a new story element like the Twilight Princess or Zant (who was a completely pointless villain character) but at the end of the day Link is still fighting against Ganon in an attempt to save the Princess Zelda. The worst part is that the creator, Shigeru Miyamoto, claims that there is a coherent chronology to the series, but any fan with half a brain knows there isn’t. It’s the same game over and over and over again just being regurgitated back onto our plates. It looks different, but it’s the same vomit we spewed up twenty times before.

            I know there are people out there who love this franchise so much that they worship Hyrule and its inhabitants the same way LOTR fans worship Frodo’s big toe. But come on people! We’re older gamers now. Don’t we deserve a Legend of Zelda game with a little more substance and intelligence? Either give the series its final curtain call or change it. That’s all I’m saying.